This is awful.
Love that is. When you get off the same wavelength and start fighting about the worst things. Things that should be enjoyed and tender. But instead you’re awake at 8am after an hour of really, really uneasy sleep. We secretly break up and get back together every night. Yes, you enjoy being out and about with him and your sweet screamy son, but you also enjoy darkness, lit by candles, and heat of two bodies being close in a way, that if you are a monogamous relationship, should only be with that one other person. That person that you put enough faith in to give up a life you had spent 6 years building, and to give up a career that you spent 2 years working towards. Because that person was worth it to your feeble brain, hopped up on dopamine and oxytocin. You went against your instincts to abort the mission and instead go hurdling toward the sun at full steam ahead. Bringing life into a life that you haven’t even written the fucking blueprints for. You’re a soon to be 26 year old child with a child looking towards you for guidance when you can’t even get it together to not fuck up every relationship you’ve ever been in because nothing is ever enough to satiate you. So you smoke, and you eat, and drink, and you fuck and you come, and you rest for a moment and then want to do it all over again. Again and again until it all goes dark. No one will know who you were, but at this juncture in your life, you’re so empty and unfeeling that hedonism is the only viable option if you are to stand living in this wretched place where you seem to connect with so few and wonder wtf happened to all the good you used to see in the world. And you write these terrible run on sentences because you would rather bare your dark dark dark little black heart to the void of the internet because you’re so ashamed that you are such a terrible person and fear that those you DO love will leave you once they find out the truth.
